Steps....

Last night,

Restless and wrestling with the need for sleep and food but found I wanted to pray more. I let the tiredness drift down off of me. The stars were out and I mingled with them in the parking lot on the way to church. My footfalls leading me through quiet hallways. It's late but I don't care knowing the doors are still open. I slip into a room and flop onto the couch, long legs leaning and arms folded across my chest. Eyes closed not in sleep but in the awakening of my tired soul. There are other voices mingled in the hushed soft tones of prayer in the next room. The lamp light bends the darkness away from us. I pour it all out. My words drenched in my heart and I'm letting God in on what he already knows. It doesn't matter...at least I'm talking and thats what has the most meaning to him. My fear is that I've planted seeds of bitterness somewhere deep down. I can't seem to uproot it all on my own. I need God. It comes out in ways that God would notice. I am fearfully and wonderfully made but my doubts and fears tend to crush me, bring me low and tangle me up. I need God's tending the gentle hands of a gardner who knows how not to trample young vines. There is no life in me left for the I love you's and joys and encouraging spirit that I should have made more plentiful in my life. My soul stilled. Finding a peacefulness I had forgotten. I listen. The clock keeps ticking. A question arises in the back of my mind "How many days left for me to worship here?". We only have so many days left...it makes me thankful and helps me to understand Daniels passion a little more. I think Daniel understood. Life is a cornhusk. A season. Restore my soul giver of gifts. Furrow the hard ground and bring me back to life.