Shatter

If you didn't know I own this little property. The building is grandiose in scale but I've been trying to sell it for years. Maybe its just been too difficult to let go. My glass house. It's more like a castle forged on a hill lit ablaze by the burning seashores in my mind. My insecurities have built it. I find a worrying, trying day has caused me to carve out another bookcase, another closet, another mantelpiece with my hands. Things I did not need but could not help create. I don't like being vulnerable not when I've been used to being a strong tower for so many years. The strong tower fell but thats another story. I'd like to throw heavy stones at my glass house and have it shatter to the earth. I like talking about this even less. Kim told me I should write about these moments and share them because they're not really for me. There is something important about the sharing I suppose whether for me or you I can not tell. I do have these fearful days more than I want to admit lately. Not the fears of a nightmare washed away by morning but the childhood fears that linger on and leave you trembling. I doubt my steps. I doubt my relationships. I doubt my gifts. I doubt me. I never seem to doubt the existence of God and that is a relief. Though, I dunno, I haven't had much to say to God lately. I haven't wanted to talk to him. What was there to say? But I realize you cannot love someone and not want to talk to them after awhile. So I go down to the church and sit in a little room where I know the Holy Spirit breathes. For a long time nothing comes....then "God you are my bread. You are the bread in life and I seem to be starving myself. Help me." I leave feeling swept clean for a time. The fear is new from something I had forgotten all about and God bent down and made me remember. It makes me feel afflicted like Job and I never understand it. God makes me remember not out of cruelty who wants to remember pain? But for my freedom. It doesn't mean I have to like it. God in his wisdom allows me the choice not to like it. It just makes me feel terribly weak and upside down half the time. This isn't beautiful or funny or striking to look at. I feel out of step as if I will always be out of step. My gifts jar me at times as if being struck in the face. Powerful and yet for what purpose? I say I have such intensity and the intensity requires meaning but maybe the meaning was just to amuse God and move you. A comedy and a tragedy I make. I tell myself these words are selfish because my heart wonders about me and not something of you. But I can at least tell myself I showed my vulnerability to you for those of you I know out here. I miss Karma. I wish I was healing faster. I wish I was writing books again. I wish I felt more confident. Christ was wholly God in his confidence. Perhaps it is my pride too because I think I know what's best for me but really only God knows. And yet I find I'm still trying to follow God's footprints.