Echo

It seems I haven't listened to the echo of my thoughts in awhile. I've been in motion moving, doing, going. And every time I've looked at this blog I've felt that I haven't had anything better to say than my last posting. My thoughts and emotions seem a bit of a jumble to me. I feel quixotic and yet the pull of different directions tugging at the sleeve of my soul. I'm listening to U2 it seems appropriate with the hum of the jostling heart beat rhythm ringing in my ears and it feels good. I practice my guitar, I write and sometimes I sing. And it seems to move my visions forward. It seems to move me forward. I am content with my creativity for once. I seem to think in terms of God's time table. I remember saying once when I was deeply sad "I'm wasting God's time being sad and not doing anything productive." He wisely said "It's God's time to waste isn't it? You need to learn to be". So I think I'm more comfortable just "being" than I ever have. I go to the movies and sit in the dark alone and I don't mind. I never did mind. I can envision my stories up there flickering against the light and the darkness for once. I do ordinary things like laundry, dinner and tying my shoes. I feel fragile and sad once in awhile. I'll still have a day sometimes were I become nervous and tremble. I don't like it when it happens but I endure. I still worry about different things in my life I can't control and doubt God's love or faithfulness. But I find that is only human. God is still God and heaven, I know, is too real. I struggle with my sin and ask for forgiveness in the darkness. I'll pray in the mornings and thank him for things like clean water and bread. I laugh over little things and that feels bright and clean and good. My friends are deeply kind and true and that gives me immeasurable joy. And Cliff is a gift. I love the line of his shoulders and his laugh. I'm waiting for summer so I can find my fields again.